by Tash Hunt

Following Pete’s latest scan there has been some improvement and the current treatment seems to be working. There is still cancer in his body and we hope the treatment will continue to work… we have been here before so the consultant is starting to look at further treatment beyond this one to try to prevent the usual relapse that has happened each time.

I can’t describe the feelings I had whilst sitting at work waiting for Pete to call with scan results. I was trying to type but my hands were shaking. I couldn’t sit still but I also didn’t want to walk about and have to talk to anyone. I often relive the times before that we have had bad news. They are etched in my memory as scars and the desperation that you feel is gut wrenching. This time (praise God) was positive…. not to shout about it that everything is gone positive, but a green shoots moment in a very long battle.

It is these times that I cannot explain the love I feel from God. I am so alone and yet so loved and cared for. Even in the bad news phone calls, He is there – either putting me in a physical place near a friend or just speaking to me so clearly to know that I am loved and that he is with Pete and I in the journey.

Last weekend I noticed that Pete was so much healthier. We went and chose our Christmas Tree as we always do and when it had been cut down, he carried it to the car… this literally made my heart want to sing… it is so simple and yet such a massive thing for us. He hasn’t lost his hair this time and he has put some weight back on. The human side of me keeps giving me little warning messages – don’t hope he is getting better because it is worse if he gets ill again.

However, God doesn’t call us to live a half-life where we try to guard our heart or not have full joy because we might get more hurt. God says to trust him entirely and live life full of joy because we have a secure future in Him. I do trust God in this situation. It is hard every day but God has blessed us, carried us, loved us and provided for us in ways beyond our imagination. He wants us to have joy in all of the journey not just the good news moments.

This week we had a really tall silver birch cut down in our garden. I have always had a fear of it falling and hitting either our house or someone else’s. What we hadn’t really appreciated was how much sunlight it prevented from coming into the garden. Everything just seems so much clearer and brighter. On the outside it looked a lovely healthy tree that gave life to birds and insects. However, when it was cut down there had been a pool of water in a section that split into two and the water was gradually going down the trunk and making it rotten. It made me think about the way I choose to live my life. Things can seem ok and even quite fruitful but if I’m not looking to God and trusting Him and putting Him first, things can become more important or prevent me from hearing His voice. The rot can set in, even if it can’t be seen from the outside. I think when you are living with fear and anxiety it is so easy to put your hope and trust in anything that feels like it will help you, but by trusting in God the branches are removed and the light and sun covers you.

I know I have a heavenly Father who has walked every step of this cancer journey with me and I know with total certainty that He will be with me at all times and in every good news or bad news phone call. I don’t want anything to get in the way of that relationship and that peace and love.

Pete sometimes says he is glad this has happened because it has changed him and brought him closer to God… I can’t quite say that because I’ve watched him in too much pain and seen his body go through so much. However, I can say I am glad that through this I have learnt how to rely and trust God and how to turn to Him before anything else. My prayer is that both Pete and I will continue to do this whatever happens in the future.