By Tash Hunt

I have struggled these last few weeks.  Pete has been in hospital for treatment, transfusions and checks and has been really weak.  I have really felt quite low.  I can see the man that used to run marathons and cycle to work and be so strong just get weaker and be in constant pain. This is hard to watch. His body has been through so many treatments over the last two years that it has really taken its toll. Sometimes I expect to pick him up and see him how he used to be, and it catches me off guard when I see him so thin and weak.   

So many emotions run through my head daily. I feel so lost and sad that life has changed so much. I feel so desperately sad that the boys can’t do the things with their Dad that they used to and now wouldn’t even think about doing them. Our family life has changed, and we now navigate each daily task, decision and activity so differently. I wish I had not taken so much for granted previously. 

If I am honest life was becoming hard work and there was not much joy. I was trying to do everything in my own strength and failing miserably. The unknown future seems to smack me in the face all the time. When people talk about things they are doing at Christmas – or next summer I feel I dare not plan anything – just take every day and never think about the future.

I was walking Hope the dog about 2 weeks ago and feeling pretty sad. Suddenly the sun shone so ridiculously brightly that I could hardly open my eyes.  I felt God in that moment – the heat and the light just drenched me with his love. I walked under a tree with huge branches, but the light kept shining just as bright through each little gap in the leaves.  It was so bright that there were red rings reflecting from it, making the light spread further. I felt God say – I have not left the building – I am right here! God does not want me to just live one day at a time, never daring to dream.  He gave me dreams and He wants to me to look to him, not have my gaze clouded by a great big branch or a cancer diagnosis.

I can get so consumed by the sadness or the hardship, that it takes God to literally blind me with His love before I actually lift my gaze and notice it.  However, He has never left me.  He has gone before me in everything. He is literally holding Pete up and giving his body the strength to take each new treatment.

I often remember the children’s song – My God is a great big God – well he really is – He is so much bigger than cancer! His love reaches beyond sadness, and He gave us the ability to have joy and love which we can only truly experience when we know His love and joy in and for us.