By Tash Hunt

Be Still and know I am God

Psalm 46:10

So, I feel a bit like a hamster in a wheel and life is carrying on, but it’s been a hard and dark time.  I have never felt the extreme tiredness that I do now, I have had really bad headaches and I feel totally choked and constricted if I think about the future. 

Cancer is costly – not financially but in terms of life, experiences, love and there is a dark cloud of fear that just hangs above your head that is always there. You can’t plan for things in the future because the future is a an unknown. In all this God has clearly said to me “Be still and know I am God.”

I have really had to grapple with this…BE STILL – I can’t be still there is so much to do I have to look after the family, work, look after the house, drive the ridiculously long journey to visit Pete…Be Still is exactly what I can’t do! Yet repeatedly in the busy fearful day to day whirl of my brain, God says this to me.

I started to listen to that old song we used to sing ‘Be still for the presence of the Lord , The Holy one is here’.  This song gave me so much comfort and just helped me to slow down and actually be a little bit still.  I realized that I don’t think I have ever really, truly been still with God.  To be really still I need to know that God has total control, and I can stop and trust Him.  I don’t have to strive, complete tasks, be a super mum, I just have to trust God completely and know who He actually is. 

I often say to God – how did we get here?  We were ok, everything was alright and now somehow over the last 18 months we are the family going through a really horrible time.  I would not wish this on anyone, but I still find myself saying to God – why Pete? Why us? Why do my kids have to grow up with this?  I’m not ready to say I am glad this has happened – it is all too raw. 

What I can say wholeheartedly is that I know who God is through it.  I have known Him as a Father, a comforter and a protector.  I know he has given me spiritual strength to get through things that before I would never have thought possible.  I know every time I call out to Him, He is there. He has his hand over this journey and has protected us amazingly.

I hate the nighttime while Pete is away in hospital – things seem worse at night. My fear is crippling, and I think of worse case scenarios.  Every night I have known a peace just as I have gone to sleep that has been from God. This is the Being still and knowing God type of moment that you can only experience if you totally surrender to who God is and trust Him completely.

I’m right in it at the moment, and we still have quite a way to go with this particular part of the journey.  Pete is really weak and his body has taken a huge bashing.  It is hard to see him this way and I cry out to God to return Pete strong and well to us.  I know that as a family we have been changed and God is working in us all.  His hand is firmly over us and I know that I can trust Him.  I don’t know what the next chapter looks like, but I know that I am going to try to Be Still and know God every day.