by Tash Hunt

This has been one of the toughest weeks – mostly because I have literally cried my whole way through it and can’t see the wood for the trees. Lots of little things have happened that have made it even harder and the huge weight of Pete going into hospital two and half hours away for nearly six weeks has loomed over it all like the biggest black cloud ever.

Every night I have counted how many sleeps until he goes and now, they have run out and he is going. My feelings range from fear about the intensive treatment he will have that has many risks, to how on earth I will manage day to day stuff on my own, to not being a strong or good enough parent to be what my boys need while he is away.

Many irrational and random fears have occupied my thoughts such as what if we have a storm and the big silver birch tree falls down, or what if the boys are ill and I can’t get to work or I wake up and there is a huge spider in my room.

However, in amongst my overactive and stressed-out mind there has been a calm God voice trying to re-adjust my compass back to Him. Sometimes I just need to stop and LISTEN!

I have had a few pictures recently about the compass of God. I was challenged about how we rate ourselves in everyday life. If we walk in a room, we quickly ascertain certain facts about how we fit in or where we are ‘rated’. We might quickly work out if we are the oldest or youngest or, if it is in a work setting, we may identify if we are the least or most experienced or qualified.

God doesn’t rate us in this way it is totally a ‘human’ thing to do. God just loves us – simple as that. He does not think you are better than them at a particular skill so you are a better person…. He looks at us as an individual and has given us gifts and strengths that He can use. My fears often centre around my abilities (or lack of) and my lack of control.

God’s compass points to Him and when I navigate my head to focus straight on Him everything makes much more sense. I no longer fear things around me and I no longer focus on what I’m scared of. I don’t necessarily have every answer, but I do have a peace and a trust which remove the paralysation that accompanies fear.

Someone talked about Pete’s cancer as having a strong root that is holding on. I began to think about what things are rooted in my life. I really quickly realised that roots hold things down but that when we are ‘held’ by God we are lifted up not rooted down. I saw a picture of loads of balloons lifting someone into the air by a strong chord and any roots were pulled from the ground and dropped away unable to hold the person down compared to God’s strong chord.

So, whilst I face this really hard time I’m focussing on the compass of God and navigating towards Him and not allowing fearful roots to hold me down.

Christians around me and their kind acts and thoughtful words bring a lightness and peace. I cannot explain how important this has been to Pete and I over the last 18 months – we have quite literally been held by our church family and God’s love has been reflected through them to us on a daily basis.

This has supported my ability to focus on God because I have seen His love in action. The compass is easy to follow when those around you feel the fears and worry and totally wrap you in love.