How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, and my enemy will say, ‘I have overcome him,’ and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me.

Psalms 13:1‭-‬6 NIVUK

In so many ways I am very grateful for going through the experience of Cancer treatment.  God has met with me in such powerful, personal and often surprising ways. 

But it has taken its toll, particularly on my family.  My wife has carried a huge burden and has done such an amazing job of holding everything together, while I am often not able to help.  My kids are being affected in ways I’m probably not even yet fully aware.  Cancer has robbed us of so much and it casts a long shadow on those it affects.  To be honest there are times when I resent it so much.

One of the best pieces of advice I got at the start of my treatment was to read through psalms. David had his fair share of trials, difficulties and struggles, some of them self-inflicted. But he remained a man after God’s heart.  We see this in the psalms he wrote.  Whatever he was struggling with, he never loses sight of who God is and never ceases to praise him, even when God seems so far away.

This has really helped me particularly in my own relationship with God and how I communicate and commune with him.

A fair criticism of my prayer life would be that I lack discipline, I’m easily distracted and over complicate something which is actually very simple.  All of which I acknowledge are important and that I need to better at.

When David cries out to God its raw, its real and it’s from the heart.  But he never leaves it there.  He always turns it to praise, he always acknowledges God’s sovereignty and ultimately, he always submits to God’s will.

There have been times in the last year when I have cried out to God in frustration, in pain and in helplessness.   But often I’ll leave it there, get distracted and move on.  I’ll leave my time with God the same as I started it and then think God just isn’t hearing me.

I think God likes it when we just pour our hearts out to him.  After all, nothing we say is going to surprise him. But if we just leave it there, we miss the opportunity for God to speak to us, minister to us and comfort us. 

What I’m learning is not to over-complicate it.  Be real. Give it all to God and don’t hold back.  But stay there until your heart turns to praise and until you submit to God. In my experience, if our hearts are for God, it always will. It may take a while but stick with it.  When we do this God will meet with us and be the comforter he always promised. He will meet our deepest need and bring us peace in the midst of the storms of our lives.